一道墙的距离

其实，
就只有一道墙的距离。

那么的贴近，
却又是那么坚固的障碍。

其实，
心够坚强，就不会再软弱。

可是，脆弱的时候，
你也攻破不了，

我却因此，变得跟坚强，
那道你我之间的距离也随着变得更坚固了。

My mum like a monster.

Someone has described her mum as a monster
after her mum had been suffering from dementia.

In this afternoon,
when I was delegated to update all the residents' photo particularly in their folders,
I saw this in a lady's note.

I felt sad when I was reading the letter by the daughter to a nurse.
She wrote that, once upon a time,
her mum was used to be kind, friendly and was a wonderful lady,
but she just suddenly changed her personalities into the opposites
what happened to her, the daughter wondered.

DEMENTIA
is an absolutely terrible thing.

The lady's daughter is now ten thousands miles far away from here.
I wonder, does she know how her mother is being now?
I can be the volunteer telling all about her,

If I meet her,
I'm gonna say,
Your mum is doing quite good.
She enjoys her breakfast after being woken up by the staffs.
She will then be assisted for a shower or a wash before the morning tea.
She likes coffee with milk and sugar.
She then will sit for a lunch.
After that, she is always ready for the afternoon tea.

But...
there is always a 'but'.
Unfortunately I have to tell that as well.

After all, she is just wandering around this place most of the time.
The most impressive thing which I found on her is:
Every time, she passes by the staffs' room.
She will always stare into the mirror.
And then, she will wave her hand toward the mirror.
Seems like someone is waving to her too.
She then touches the mirror, trying to grab the object's hand.
I wonder how many time she tries and tries..
but nope, she can't grab any of the fingers either.
And then, she leave her "twin sister" with a smile.
When she takes a couple steps, she will return to the same place and do the same all again.

She is just lovely.
But, sometime can be difficult too.

Is she abandoned to this terrible place?
Yes, in my view.

我没有说谎~

以前總認為說謊是有理由的，為了保護別人、為了希望對方喜歡自己、為了博取同情、為了逃避、為了利益、為了權勢等等，可是，這兩年以來的遭遇，卻讓我發現，有些人就是習慣說謊，就是喜歡說謊。開始了說謊，只得用一個又一個謊言來掩飾之前的謊言。

說謊的一刻，他好像得到好處，可是，謊言愈說愈多之後，吃苦的也是自己。

誰敢說自己沒說過謊？說謊的一刻，會快樂嗎？要是一生都忙著用一個謊言來掩蓋另一個謊言，這樣的日子會幸福嗎？抑或疲於奔命？

為了謊言疲於奔命，這是多麼可悲也可憐的人生？

可以騙到身邊的人，甚至可以騙到全世界，可是，能夠騙到自己嗎？即使最後連自己都騙了，難道就沒有一刻是清醒的？沒有一刻鄙視自己，卻又憐憫自己？

不斷說謊，可以傷害別人一陣子，卻傷害自己一輩子。

無法正直地面對自己，這樣的人生也太累了吧？

-- BY 张小娴 --

*******************************************************************************************

读后感想：
有一些人，说谎的程度，已经到达那种忘我的境界；以为全世界都相信她了。其实不然，大家只想要配合她，不拆穿她罢了。心里很清楚且明白，她的面具的所在。

很悲哀~
因为当她自以为得等到了大家的信任，其实大家早已背弃了她，站在对岸袖手捧戏而已。观赏久了，也觉得腻了，她的观众都离席了。她还天真地以为，他们都还在；继续演，努力地演...

Hallo!!!

同学，你的观众只有站在镜子里的另一个你，
可以不要那么累吗?

Today’s

In the morning, a career asked me to give her a hand. I put away all what I supposed to finish, and then I went into a lady’s room. OMG!! An offensive smell just greeted me.

It was really horrible!

We couldn’t breathe properly because the smell was just horrible and disgusting (10 out of 10).

And, the career just repeated saying that, “Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!!” I really wanted to stop her by saying that in front of the “victim”. But, it isn’t my business to say that to her. And, it isn’t within my scope of practice too. So, :X I kept my mouth shut. And, it’s better to do something else to reassure the lady, I think. And then, I asked the career to get out and has a deep breath. She replied, “It’s alright.” She then took another breath through her mouth. Holding her breath, she continued “I get used to it.” Hello, can you don’t say this in front of her. She must be feeling awful too with this kind of drama happening on herself. Why can’t you just do thing and stop hurting her verbally.

We took her into the bathroom with the commode chair. Her diarrhoea was still coming out drops by drops. (They were dropping onto the carpet. I was indeed in my wit’s end, thinking that “OMG! What can I do for her?”) After we got into the bathroom, the career just ran the water immediately (Imagine: it is always cold at the first), she then rinsed the resident’s feet straightly after that (without consider her feelings with the cold water at all). Second time, I suggested her to get out of the room (to have a rest) and so I took over her job to give a quick shower. I asked the lady for the temperature of the running water, she said hot. Second time, she said cold. Third time, she said cold. Forth time, she said hot. Even I have tested it everytime, before asking her. It wasn’t really that extremely cold and hot. But, she is just sensitive to it. I had no idea to do with this. Leaving her undressed and sit in the bathroom wasn’t really ideal. (It is still winter and cold weather now.) I’m better let it start. I tested the temperature before showering her. She was still moaning, anyway. It was the best thing that I could do for her at that time. I do feel bad on her.

Before the shower, I did ask the nurse to come to look at her. But, she didn’t want to. She thought it wasn’t that “BIG” deal. (In fact, she asked the other career about her diarrhoea. The career stated that, it has been happened for the last couple days. So… it wasn’t an issue should be concerned for this time.)

Oh well~

I think: What?! You didn’t wanna see how bad it was. Neither how hopeless she was. If this has been happened for few days, do you really need to do something for her? Has the doctor been informed or consulted? I wonder. If she was on antibiotics, is this will be one of the side effects? What if she needs to change some of the medications? The nurse doesn’t really care. Not at all. I feel so disappointed with her attitude. You (as a nurse) are doing your nursing here. You are the responsible person, caring for everyone wellness. What if you are there when the accident happens? Can you tell me, wth is going wrong with you at that time. I didn’t know what intervention has been taken for the lady after that. But, she looked much better than the last time I saw her. I even took her to a seat after she had her lunch. Haiz… I’m still worry about her. Hope she gets better in the weekend. And heartily hope that the doctor knew that. *Fingers crossed* Humbly blessing~

Nursing is just all about, really? I will kill myself if I did that to my patients, I swear.

Sad stories.

Everyone has their own stories,
Depends on how you gonna listen to them using your own perspectives.

Stories in here are always
sad to know.

I'm mentally tired, now.

Where can I go home?

Today, it was a lady asking me where can she wait for (to go home)?
Me: Not today.
She: A lady said it's today.
Me: ... (Not supposed to tell her anything cause I don't really know much about her.)
But, she was really wanting to sit somewhere to get home.
I brought her to another lounge space.
She sat there and I told her that I would find the answer for her.
I went away and do my works.
Few minutes later, she walked towards me and asked me the same questions again.
I was in my wit's end.
When she saw another lady (a career), she asked, "sister, where can I wait to go home"
The lady said, "not today, it will be tomorrow." .... "at 10 o'clock."
Everyone knows the career was telling a lie, except her.
She was quite disappointed. And, became quite aggressive at times.
She was really looking forward to go home, I supposed.
But, definitely not gonna happen at this stage.
Pity her. Because everyone is lying on her.
Including me. Bitch telling a lie on a very ill dementia lady.
How bad am I? Very bad.
I feel bad too. But, you not gonna tell her the truth, aren't you?

She is a very lovely lady, gently kissed on my hands after I've carried her to a couch. She even asked me to sit down with her to wait for the bus (the bus to take her home). But, where is the bus? Or will the bus be arrived in the lounge? This is ridiculous, isn't it? But, dementia people don't think it is. I'm quite aware of their sundowning symptoms. When it is the sundown, they think they should be home, not here. The space locked with security doors, only the staffs can access the code to go through.

Sad stories make people sick.
Don't you think so?

Am I?

She asked me, "what are you doing up here?"
Me: "Assisting."
She: "Assisting whom?"
Me: "The nurse."

She rolled her eyes at me, and said, "STUPID!!!"
Me: "am I?"

(=.=") WTH!!

Those people have mental problems. You're not gonna fight with them. Don't you?
If there were you, what would you say?
Tell me.
I have no idea... witless~

A black Friday.

I keep writing this blog because of my current placement.
Well, obviously this is an interesting placement.
I'm writing the 100th post now.
How fun it is!!

Today, I wonder why...
most of the residents have been really unstable (emotionally).
During early in the morning, two female residents had a fight due to ?? somehow??
One said, "She's the nasty bitch!"
Woo.. Oh my goodness!! Wth is going on?!
My preceptor and I just went out the staff room, tried to calm down and separate them two.

In the afternoon, a male resident went wrongly into a female resident's room.
She just yelled out loudly, non-stop until we settled all down.
She is quite nice sometimes but definitely not today.
She has been lying down on her bed for a whole day, not changing her nighty and nappies either.
It is odd. Really strange, don't know why...

Just before I finished,
when I was playing chest with a male resident,
another unpleasant man came and asked me some questions.
And then, he started complaining people stepping into his house.
Well, I told him, this isn't his house. His room is up the other way, right in the corner, and now, he is in the sharing room with other residents. He got confused and strongly saying that this house was bought by him. Two males started arguing the ownership of the house. Hmmp! Hmmp!! Wth is going wrong?! I had no idea how to cool him down actually, with my poor little communication skills in English. And then, someone came. He went away.

After this, when I was getting out of one of the resident's room, he asked me what am I doing in that room (in a poor manner). Well, I was quite frustrated because of his behaviours just now. So, I said to him, "I didn't do anything, just visited a friend." He tried to catch me but I walked faster. And then, he asked me where's his room. I showed him the way and tried my hard to bring him in. When I was going to shut his door after this, he just stopped me. I was going to run away at that time. He caught me and asked me do I know english. (Because he actually asked me to let the door open and I was going to close it. Well, because I wanted to...) He was actually lighting the matches in my heart. I told him, "Yes, I know English, but somehow I don't know what are you talking about." I went away from him and got into the staff room straight the way. I leaved myself into peace afterward. Wth is going wrong with him today, I was thinking in my mind.

The story has not finished yet. Later on, when I have done a neuro observations on someone, I passed through him. He asked me, what am I doing here, i.e "his place" (or "his bought house").
I said, " Nope, nothing. I'm leaving now."
He: "Living? Where?"
Me:" I'm leaving now."
He: "When?" Me: "Now. Right now!"
And then, I took my bag and leaved. Let myself out of his sight for days. What's a day!!

I was nearly having a fight with this English man during the end of the shift.
Actually, I shouldn't do that on him.
He's sick. He has been diagnosed with dementia for ages. I was trying not to arguing with him. But, he seems to be rude all the time. He is the one who always has the questions to ask, confused all the time. But, when you wanna show him something or going to ask him to do something, he will become impatient and staring at you, "Don't teach me. I know how to do it." or "I'm not the child." Well, even though he wants to wash his hands after toileting, he doesn't really know where the soap is. When you are telling him, he would say, "I knew that, don't you show me." What?! -.- Lame! He thinks he is the smartest one, he probably was but not now. He always thinks that he is the right one and we're too wrong. Well, certainly not.

Anyway, I'm still learning how to deal with him.
Only hope that, after the four weeks placement later, I would be more patient with all his unusual behaviours.

Getting to. Fingers crossed for that.

Tomorrow IELTS for the first trial.
Will be in trouble. I reckon.
Bless me please.

I'm J.

That's the way I introduce myself to everyone here.

"Hi, I'm J, the student nurse."

But, what happens in nursing home.
They don't always remember you.

People with dementia,
like to ask for your name when first met.
After 2-3 minutes conversation later,
they would ask you again, "what's your name?"
Me : "J"
And then, chit-chat chit-chat, after few minutes,
they would ask the same question again, "what's your name?"
Me : "I'm J."

What's a clue!
It is good and bad.

Good is whatever they aren't happy with, they tend to forget tomorrow.
Yesterday, she said "you are terrible"; Today, she says, "you are gorgeous".
Which is which, I wonder...

Bad is whatever they said, they couldn't remember.
They asked for assistance to get up to the toilet,
when you have brought them in,
they would ask, "what should I do now?"
(=.=) What?! Are you serious? You really don't know what are you gonna do in here??
Well.
I would say, "Come on. I want you to sit on the toilet."
After a few minutes, nothing happens.
Then, I would ask, "Have you done any of your businesses?"
"I don't know..."
"Ok, I like you to sit there a little bit longer then."
Finally, when you heard of something's going on.
"Have you finished?"
"Well, I can't tell. But, it will happen again later."
"Alright then, let's go now! Because it's not happening now, we come back later if this gonna happen again. Okay?"

Through the scenario above,
You're definitely questioning of my profession.
Well. What I can tell is I'm still getting used to know my role as a profession to work with whom have mental health problems.
I apologize for my unprofessional behaviors and speeches.
Take the whole story for none!

You're gonna be patient with the dementia people.
Cause when you lost your ability to control yourself, you make things worse.
What if they keep asking, "what am I doing?" or "what should I do now?"
I'm still learning how to work with them.
It could be frustrating sometimes. To be honest.
But, I get touched when some of them can actually call out my name.
In every you and me, calling for help is not the hard task to do when you really need it.

But, with the dementia people, it's hard for them to know a new face of you.
If they can actually call loud of your name and ask for helps.
That's heaps appreciated.
And then, you feel more better.
You're probably thinking, "Thanks goodness. I'm doing the right thing now."
What's a pheuw!!

Not much. But really challenging.
Challenge for your patience.

Smart works, J.
;)

I'm J.

Would you marry me?

Been in the Mental Health Place for two days ady.
What have I done? I wonder..
Well, this morning..
I was sitting in an old gentleman room.
Reminiscence is all about it.
(I think.)
This gentleman was telling me about his stories.
Well, this should be interesting.
But when he kept repeating the same story every 5 minutes.
That should be enough.
(Do you think?)
I have no idea what to do with the dementia people.
Or what can I do?
Tell me!!

He told me, when he was nineteen.
He asked a lady, "would you marry me?"
The lady said, "yes!"
They married when he was twenty first.
They have five children.
However, they lost one.
She died of Leukemia.
Four are well and having their own family to carry on.
They all are doing great in Tassie at the moment.
He was used to be a carpenter in Sydney before he moved down to Tassie.
And, he was actually showing off his succeeds in the past to me.
Anyway, there he goes..
After how many decades later,
His memory status start getting worse and worse.
Same as his body too.
He has poor sleeping pattern at night.
He uses to go to the toilet few times during the night.
(we call this nocturia)
Incontinence of urine and bowel sometimes.
Pads used in case.
Moving on..
His wife and his son have no idea how to care for him anymore.
They sent him to the nursing home.
They leave him alone.
They do pay visit on him every second day.
But, is that really good for him? I just wonder..
He was working so hard for his family before.
He has devoted his whole life to his wife and the kids.
And, even now, I can tell through his eyes how much he loves his family.
He feels so proud of all his kids.
But now, what do they do on him?
He wakes up in the morning, has his breakky -- toasts with margarine and jam (but he likes honey and margarine on his toasts.. so, how?)
After this, he is just waiting for someone to give him a shower.
During Monday, Wednesday and Friday, he will sit on his chair, waiting for his family come and visit him. Other days, he just sits there until the sundown. And then, the day off. This kind of life.
What do you think of it?
Would you like it?

I heard someone saying before,
"Nursing home is the end of the world."

How sad!!
:'(

Neither I do.

Nursing home is not my favorite at this moment.

有。没有

那些你错过的大雨，那些你错过的爱情...

你现在拥有的，是你曾经错过的吗?

还是，你错过了，就不能再拥有了呢?

会不会很彷徨..
会不会很无助...
会不会很想哭??

现在，
我好像又迷失在哪里了?

下一次起跑的点，
就是你上一次跌倒的点。

哪里跌倒了，
哪里站起来。

懂吗?
傻瓜~~