...but...

sometimes, it's really hard to say...
but, you know, it's inside your body...
somethings must be going wrong in there...
you cant really speak it out, but you can actually feel it...

it's not that complicated
honestly..
but..

you know what i'm trying to say?

you dun, never mind...
because neither than i...

just recently...
i'm so hopeless, helpless...
whatever happens, just make me become more frustrated
and also impatient..

i couldn't explain why
but..

you know,
i think i'm the one who should be taken the risperidone.
not the patient, but me...

please dont ask me why.
currently,
i just like to wrap myself firmly inside the quilt,
suck my ears into the earphones, turn on the music to the highest volume,
and my tears will then come out onto my face voluntarily..

it's just weird.

patients have been so nice to me..
even their family

yesterday, when i was climbing the stairs to level 5
i met one of patient's wife,
she was in front of me, and i didnt realise of her anyhow
but she just looked back and then she said "Hai" to me..
it was surprising, to be honest...
(i never met this situation before)
and, i asked her about her husband..
she said, he might be discharged during the weekend..
and, i said, that's good...
we just had the little 5 minutes conversation there...
and then we broke up in the corridor (on the way back to my ward)

there was another patient,
when my preceptor and i were sending her to another ward during the night,
in the last few minutes, before we depart, she just quickly grabbed my hands,
and said to me, "thank you so much, my darling. you're a good girl"
she was a little bit confused and kept calling me "pat"
i dunno why,
but i know she appreciate everything you've done to her.
i said to her, "that's alright, my job!"
and then, i wished her all the best in the future.
she just smiled to me and said "thank you",
what's a lovely lady.

sometimes,
you're just lucky enough to meet those patients
but, sometimes, nope...

some of them are not that incorporated...
but,
as you never know,
how hopeless they are when they have to stay in the hospital like this.
they know they're sick,
but, once the dr cant clarify the reasons of their illness,
they have to stay, and heaps and heaps of the test (including the blood test, urine test, x-ray, etc) have to be ongoing.
consequently, they will become impatient at times.

if you put yourself into the picture,
you can image,
how that looks like...

after those three weeks,
i cant promise any further,
but,
i can see myself in the future now..

i dont want to be a super nurse (rushing the works all the time),
but, instead,
i wanna be a good nurse (caring for the people, not the work)

i dun really know how much better i can do during my placement,
but,
as much as i can... i swear..

i believe,
there're some steps before the angel can actually help people
what if, you never know..

god bless me!! ;)